March 11, 2014
So what are my archetypes doing (or not doing) to keep me in this dark place. I am negative and disconnected. I have been this way since Christmas with it getting worse and worse until now. Now I am done. I refuse to live this way – tired, feeling alone and lonely, depressed, unhappy, miserable. I hear my voices in my head constantly putting me down and telling me that I am no good, lazy and unloveable. This has got to stop. I have talked to my Dr. and he is willing to give me anti-depressants, but I am not willing to go that route when I can hear and feel my joy inside – just silenced for now.
So let’s do a quick checkup of my archetypes:
House 1 – Caregiver – “off the field” – hiding. ie. CPAP machine not used for 3 weeks – meaning I am back to needing 18-20 hours sleep every day. No caregiving for me.
House 2 – Divine Child /. Guardian of Innocence – the only archetype feeling positive right now and ok when with God. Unfortunately when life swirls around me my Child hides behind me.
House 3 – Hermit – feels the winter. Gone into the shadow and hibernating. Hiding away and not rejuvenating my soul. Waiting. He is hunkered down to protect his winter sleep in the dark.
House 4 – Saboteur / Guardian of Choice – is firmly ensconced in my head. Being in my head he is listening to the Shouldsville messages and repeating them loud and clear. You are lazy, inefficient, useless and unloveable. You aren’t needed anywhere. You have no use now that you are retired from your office work. Your teaching is just a hobby and doesn’t bring enough money into the house to count.
House 5 – Prostitute / Guardian of Faith – My creativity has stopped. I had plans in January to start a number of projects and courses in February and did not do them. Started some things. Wanted to continue – too tired and depressed. Abundance did not exist even though that is one of my mantra words for 2014.
House 6 – Amazon – in full “agro” mode – shooting arrows and gesturing wildly with her sword at any of the Guardians or other Archetypes that came close or even looked up. A protector in the dark for sure.
House 7 – Victim / Guardian of Self Esteem – well, she is not liking herself at all. The Victim is strong and in the dark for sure.
House 8 – My Mentor is ineffectual. How can a Mentor work on herself? A Mentor is someone to look up to – someone to long to be like and a pattern to admire. REALLY?
House 9 – My Sage/Crone is gone. She saw the villagers closing in to burn her at the stake as a witch and withdrew deep into the forest. She has literally put herself in a deep sleep and is death like.
House 10 – My Artist – is striving to see beauty but is surrounded by darkness and slime. Feeling useless and weak, my Artist has sat down to watch. He is very passive.
House 11 – My Storyteller! There she is! Loud! Forceful and DARK! She is not just whispering stories she is yelling them in my head. She is helping the Saboteur make up great stories (ie lies) to keep me focussed on her. She is feeling powerful and in control. Everyone else is listening and watching her! This has to stop!
House 12 – Queen. Where is she? There is the throne, empty. She is nowhere to be seen. Who saw her last? Where was she? Oh, yes. That’s right. When January came down and felt so awful, she helped by giving gifts to everyone. After Christmas she was feeling empowered to make others really love her by giving them gifts. She kept buying – giving to the grandchildren and their parents with abandon. All those great ideas for Christmas gifts should not be wasted, right? And then I realized that she was acting out of character. I was angry and yelled at her to stop it and go away. She was literally giving away any chance my King and I had of making a lifelong commitment to abundance. She was hurt and slunk away in the shadows. She was gone. She had been gone for weeks now.
So what to do? How to change things?